Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in lionessdiva's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008
11:13 pm	Noooo!!! Heath Ledger is dead! Jesus Christ! He was only 28 years old. And the infuriating, and very sad thing about this, is it's not like his death was inevitable like a plane crash or deadly illness, but a decision to take drugs. What a waste. His poor little girl, and poor Michelle, who's now a single mother. Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 8th, 2006
7:22 am	Democrats: Fuck Yeah! Democrats be in da house!!!! Okay, that was lame. I am so happy the Dems have a majority in the House of Reps again! For now they're tied in the Senate, and we'll see which group gets the upper hand. But it won't be much of one. And we got the majority of governorships (is that a word? should be if it isn't). Oh, are things finally starting to look up, other than my burning feet? Current Mood: satisfied (Comment on this)
Friday, November 3rd, 2006
10:54 am	WTF? http://articles.news.aol.com/news/_a/evangelical-leader-accused-of-gay-affair/20061102182309990027?ncid=NWS00010000000001 This guy appeared in Richard Dawkins' Root of all Evil, and scolded Da Man for being arrogant etc. And to find out he's gay? That's friggin' hilarious. And sad. And scary. But still, hilarious. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 27th, 2006
12:32 am	test post, trying to see if I can link to my tennyson group. tennysonlovers (Comment on this)
Monday, October 23rd, 2006
5:55 pm	Happy Birthday Weird Al!!! This is kinda redundant, since I actually did wish him a happy birthday on his myspace page (yes, it's actually him), but I've somehow started a tradition of acknowledging my guys' birthdays though of course they'll never see my LJ, and most of them are probably dead anyway. But still, the tradition goes on. Weird Al pic spam!! Love that man. Buy his new album Straight Outta Lynwood. It's hilarious. (Comment on this)
Friday, October 6th, 2006
9:32 pm	never leave the day room. never leave the day room. never leave the day room... Right, this'll teach me to never try and be outgoing again. I've always wanted to try karaoke and one of the social events at my hall (i.e. dorm) is karaoke tonight. So I went down there to the hall bar, and it wasn't too crowded so I thought I'd try it. Some people actually sounded decent, but I wasn't too worried 'cause the song I picked, Take On Me by A-ha, is burned into my brain. I've sung it a million times, even in front of one or two people before, and no one complained. Of course one of those people was my mom...Anyway, so I figure I'll do okay. I go up there after the DJ has loaded the song, wait through the intro and...AAAAAHHHHHH! Holy shit did I sound bad! I'm not kidding. I couldn't believe the voice I was hearing was my own. Actually I could, because it did sound like me, but it was the me I hadn't heard since I was 14 and obese. I'm not quite that fat or that regressed in age, but it sure as hell sounded like it. I almost stopped because I was sure people would tire of it fast. Esp. since there are a few parts in that song where you have to raise your voice really high, and if I was already off-key and somehow flat at the same time...wow. So, I can't be sure, because I had my back to the crowd in order to read the words, but I think I heard yelling and possibly catcalls. Maybe boos? During another long instrumental part, some guy came up to me who was actually quite cute (and probably gay) and I thought he was gonna tell me to stop, but he got another microphone and introduced himself, asked my name. I asked him if I was that bad (ie that he had to cover me up) and I think he shook his head and/or said no, no. I asked if he was saving me and he said he couldn't hear or something. He was prolly drunk because he was getting really close to me, like our sides were actually touching. But he was prolly gay so it didn't matter. Too bad, because he dresses exactly the way I like. Not for myself, I mean, but for guys. He actually reminded me of an 18-year-old version of my beloved prof. I'm glad I'm not on the meal plan. That just occurred to me. Now I won't have to see those people all at once in the cafeteria. Not that there were tons; maybe 20 or so? But talk of it might spread. Of course those who haven't actually experienced it can't imagine the horror. But how awful to be afraid of the monster, and the monster is me! Oh, how will I sleep at night? So anyway, he sang over me, somewhat, and made a point of sounding really bad. I think I hit the high note okay, at least. Jesus, how could I have thought that I could do such a thing? Stupid audio equipment making me realize how bad I actually sound. Curse you! So I guess I should be grateful to him. I wonder if he decided to do it on his own or if his friends pressed him or something. I'm just crushed, because I knew singing wasn't exactly a strong suit of mine, but I didn't think I'd sound *appalling*. Trust me, I am not exaggerating. I hope they didn't realize I'm American. They'll hate my country even more then. The people applauded and all that at the end, but I don't know if it's because most knew the guy and liked him, or if they were just being polite, whatever. Ugh. I don't want to think about whether or not they were actually chastising me earlier. Stick to reading, writing and research, sweetheart. And amateur internet detective work. That's what you're good at. My voice is too masculine, maybe, and it sounds appalling because I'm in a female body? I dunno. Glad I didn't do I Have Forgiven Jesus. I would've offended them doubly. Man oh man, know thyself Jillie. Current Mood: embarrassed (Comment on this)
Friday, September 29th, 2006
10:53 pm	I'm in London posting from an internet cafe! Holy shit! Yeah, it's been cool so far, but pretty soon I'm gonna have to buckle down and live the Spartan life at school. Gag and gloom and diabetic badness. I will miss my big toe. Current Mood: weird Current Music: police sirens (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 23rd, 2006
12:06 pm	I'm at my last day of work. Maria, one of my coworkers, got a pink foam tiara for me and painted "I'm outta here!" on it. Also, she decorated my shelf with ribbons and stuff. So sweet! And she made cupcakes, which were good. The children's librarian gave me a $25 Borders gift card which is apparently from "the library". Also, I got some Pocki (sp?) candy from this girl that I'd been talking to; she comes in to volunteer sometimes. So that's pretty cool. It's nice to know that some people care about me and wish me well. I mean, I've heard plenty of 'good luck' and 'stay safe' but it's actions that are more important than empty conventional words. My feet are burning and so is my lust for a certain person. Sad sad sad. Current Mood: okay (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 16th, 2006
2:11 pm	I have this weird scaly dark patch on my left hand, between my pinkie and ring finger. wassup wid dat? Not a good sign. I seem to be having all kinds of weird eruptions on my skin. Skin cancer or diabetes? Or both? Ah, the fun-ness of being me. Last night I got an unsolicited, long-hoped-for, unexpected apology. It filled me with mixed emotions. Mostly good ones, though. I doubt if we'll be friends again, but maybe we'll try, who knows? The apology itself was gobsmacking enough. Heh, practicing my British slang there. Current Mood: nostalgic (Comment on this)
Friday, September 15th, 2006
1:34 pm	In Memoriam A.H.H. I just remembered (actually I'd been thinking about it for days, but just now remembered today) that today is the anniversary of Arthur Hallam's death. Arthur Hallam was Alfred Tennyson's best friend, and he was only 22 when he died of a brain aneurysm in 1833. Tennyson was devastated and over the course of 17 years, composed several "fragments of an elegy" about his friend, which he compiled and published, at first anonymously, as In Memoriam A.H.H. Actually the poems are about many things; life, God (snort), death, love, nature, etc. But Arthur is always in the background. This poem enchanted and amazed and saddened and hooked me in when I read it. And I still love it. It's a large part of why I'm going to England to get my master's degree in Victorian Literature from Reading University. So a lot of the predicaments I'm ending up in are thanks to Arthur Hallam. Thanks, Art! Couldn't have done it without you. Alfred and Arthur sitting in a tree/You know the drill Current Mood: blind-ish (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
1:04 pm	Happy birthday Roger Howarth! Because he's really hott. The hottest soap star ever. Reason enough. He's 38 today. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
12:35 pm	I should probably stop discussing my health problems with coworkers. Just when I finish telling my boss I can be reasonably sure I don't have diabetes (though my feet are burning a bit today, and my vision is ick), she goes, "I would consult a physician. You probably have a nerve disorder." Well, fuck. That's exactly what I don't want to hear, though of course it's occurred to me as well. Current Mood: worried (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 9th, 2006
1:22 pm	I just got to read to a woman about God! Oh, this is surely my day! She called wanting to know the seven names of God, and one of my co-workers thoughtfully transferred the call to me, knowing how much I'd love it. Because I wasn't humiliated enough by being beaten up by the baby. So I got to recite all this Jewish stuff, which wasn't quite as bad as the other option. So, in case you need to know the seven names of God, go here: http://www.holybible.com/resources/names_of_lord.htm Me, I say they're Fake, Stupid, Imaginary, Unreal, Illogical, Impossible, and Steve. Current Mood: blurry (Comment on this)
11:38 am	Attack of the killer baby! That's right, I was attacked by a baby, between the age of 1-2 years. I'm at work, okay, and I'm putting away the new books, right? And there's this guy using the internet, and because he's a dumbass, he's letting his little daughter wander around by herself and make lots of noise. She toddles over to me, and I give her a strained, pained smile. She reaches up, and I think aww, she wants to take my hand. Wrong! She gives my hair a good hard yank, clutching it in her tiny little fist as my head unwillingly lurches forward. I gently remove her hand from my hair and protect the hair with the other, pulling it up so she can't tug at it. Well, my hair is not only beautiful but perhaps longer than I thought, for she was still able to get a hold of it. She was determined, okay, and managed to yank it again. I took her back over to her father, and he gives me this look and goes, "Did she do something wrong?" WTF?! She's a baby, and it's your job to watch her, you dumb bastard! I was like, Well, I'm trying to put these books away, and I've got this giant cart and I don't want her to get hurt, and she keeps pulling my hair. He's like, "Okay, sorry," and kind of guides her back to where he's sitting. Not twenty seconds later, she's over by me trying to grab my hair again. And I thought *I* had a one-track mind! So I go back to the circ desk, and to the little area where we all work, and complain to the librarian. She's got to tell this guy to watch his freaking kid. Well, I hear one of my co-workers go, "What are you doing back here?" and in toddles the little monster! She followed me! Good your God, I'm being terrorized. So another co-worker tried to take her back to her father, but she just starts running around and yelling again. The librarian goes over and explains to him that he has to watch his damn kid. But yeah, I'm sure he's just gonna let her run around the next time he comes in. In conclusion, even children that aren't old enough to talk seem to want to hurt me, just like little dogs that barely stand above one's ankles. I can't imagine why. Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 19th, 2006
12:45 pm	INFJ - the counselor You scored 45% I to E, 36% N to S, 30% F to T, and 21% J to P! Your type is best summed up by the word "counselor", which belongs to the larger group of idealists. Only 2% of the population share your type. You are so empathic that you often know what others need before they know themselves. You are a complex person who can deal with complicated issues and people, almost prefer to, as you love problem solving. You can be something of an idealist or perfectionist, and should try to take yourself a little less seriously. You are a supportive and insightful romantic partner, encouraging your mate to have dreams and work hard to make those dreams come true. Because you are so creative, you have a wealth of ideas to help them toward those goals. You need harmony so much that you are driven to resolve conflict quickly, as long as the terms don't violate your ethics. You feel the most appreciated when your partner admires your creativity, trusts your inspirations, and respects your values. It is also vitally important that your partner be open and emotionally available - in other words, that they be willing to share themselves completely. Your group summary: idealists (NF) Your type summary: INFJ My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 47% on I to E You scored higher than 42% on N to S You scored higher than 44% on F to T You scored higher than 12% on J to P Link: The LONG Scientific Personality Test written by unpretentious2 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test Weird. I really don't see myself as a counselor, since I'm usually the one who actively seeks counsel, but the rest of this seems pretty accurate. (Comment on this)
Monday, August 14th, 2006
2:46 pm	I'm at work, and they just arrested some guy who was using a computer. They patted him down for weapons. I love the library, honestly (sarcastically). We get the most high-class people here. Can't wait to leave. Can't wait. Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 12th, 2006
2:33 pm	illness: mind, body, both? Fever. Neck and throat ache. So tired. Hard to breathe at times. I am so scared. I went to the doctor yesterday and told her of my fears, but she didn't do much. She doesn't think I have ovarian cancer, so that's good, but this morning I've suddenly felt all these symptoms (the ones I described above) come on. Maybe I caught something at the doctor's office? What a pain in the ass. I hope it's nothing more serious than a slight infection. Nothing deadly. To those of you on here that I actually know, I love you. Andrea, Ben, Robin. And Chrissy, though you'll never read this. I just want to be okay. I don't want pain, sorrow, suffering. Who does, right? But I feel so alone. I don't like feeling disoriented, out of control. That's probably why I've never drank or done drugs. Well, also 'cause I'm smart. But still...I just want to go to England. What a tragedy if I cannot. Current Mood: scared (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 10th, 2006
12:37 pm	F%*@!*&^!!! God fucking damn it, can nothing in my life go right??? Not only do I have to worry about my health, now I have to worry about terrorist bastards again. I'm sure you've seen the headlines; British authorities foiled a terrorist plot to carry explosives onto planes headed to the U.S. Well done to the Brits for being so fucking awesome. But god damn I'm furious! I have to go to the UK in late September. Now they're saying carry-ons won't be allowed, unless they're clear plastic bags and shit like that. Understandable, I guess, but annoying. There are so many horrible things going on. I know whose fault it is, but I won't say so as I don't feel like being deemed a racist or prejudiced person. Well, perhaps I am. At this point I don't really give a shit. People I know always wonder why I'm so anti-religion. Well, this is why, folks. Because it provides "people" with the excuse, the urge, the "justification" to murder people. God fucking damn it this world is insane. I wish humans had never evolved. We're sick, cruel bastards. The so-called lower animals have more dignity than us. Current Mood: furious (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
5:38 pm	maybe I should change my name to doomsday diva I'm trying to stop, I really am! But a couple hours ago I got a weird metallic taste on my tongue, and it hasn't really gone away. And I still have the weird ovarian/stomach problems that I've had since Monday. Lack of energy, feel really tired...One of my coworkers thinks the stomach problem might be scar tissue, because I had the tummy tuck. That was a year ago. I dunno... Current Mood: worried (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
3:29 pm	Back to hypochondria and intense, intense fear Okay, now I think I may have ovarian cancer. If anyone's actually reading this, I imagine you're tired of me complaining about my perceived health problems. But it's really scary, and I need to vent. What's wrong with me?! I have a few aches and pains in the arms and legs, which wouldn't be too big of a deal, since I exercised kind of a lot yesterday, but a little while after I got up yesterday, I've been feeling this weird heaviness on the left side of my stomach. Right around where the ovaries would be, I think. It doesn't hurt, exactly, but it feels weird. Like there's a little water balloon in there. If I stretch my left arm up I feel a little tugging, whereas there's nothing on the right side if I do the same there. Darwin, this would be just my luck, since I'm finally getting everything together for Reading Univ. I'm getting my student visa shipped, I should be hearing about accommodation and welcome week soon, we booked our plane tickets, etc. But if there's anything seriously wrong with me, obviously all of that would have been a waste of time, and shot to the ground. I looked up the symptoms of ovarian cancer, which I shouldn't do since it scares the s**t out of me, but that was basically one of the symptoms. Bloating and other weird feelings in the stomach. That's about it, but still and all, I need to get it checked out. But again: NO INSURANCE! God Bless America. Yeehaw. My mom's insurance company said they'll need something on university letterhead saying that I'm enrolled and registered at the school for full-time, so I e-mailed the univ. asking if they could send me something with that info, but no response yet. Jesus. I don't exactly feel like time is on my side here. Probably because it isn't. It's just one thing after another. I haven't had a general checkup in a year, so I've no idea what might be wrong with me. I have good blood pressure and all that stuff that they regularly check, but no one ever thinks to screen for tumors or other cancer signs. I may need an ultrasound. I hate to think that all my love and work will go to waste. Not exactly a unique feeling, I know, but still. If only I didn't have such a good imagination. I have to save all the money I can, and if I spend a few hundred dollars or more, or maybe even thousands if they have to do tests and shit (which they almost certainly would have to do, since they can't tell if someone has any kind of cancer by checking blood pressure and tapping their knees), then I'd be in the hole even more. I'd like to ask why me, but I know there's no rhyme and reason behind it. It's just part of being human. Cells replicate more than they should. Things mutate. Nothing is ever relentlessly smooth. I just keep thinking of all the people I love, the things I haven't done, the fact that I basically wasted my 22nd year of life...I want to go to England and study and read and write. Travel. Research. Live. Be independent. Am I doomed to be holed up in a hospital somewhere? I've never in my life wanted so much to be wrong. Let this just be my mental sickness. Current Mood: scared (Comment on this)